In Mary's Place


As you may know, my mother had been sick for a very long time. She had COPD and emphysema and suffered with all of the issues that these diseases entail. My sister and I watched for years as her health deteriorated. There were numerous trips to the emergency room, surgeries and more hospital stays than I would like to count. This time last year she was admitted into the hospital to treat her lung issues. She was there for several weeks before being transferred to a restorative care facility and then to a hospice house. Weeks later, we brought her home to live at my house. To be painfully honest, those were some of the hardest days of my life. I was caring for her as well as anticipating the arrival of our new 12 year old from China.

Fast foward several months:

Mother came down with bronchitis and just coyldn't shake it. She was readmitted into the Hospice House on December 15th and then the Lord, in all of His grace and mercy, relieved her from all of her pain on December 30th.

In one way, it was a very hard Christmas, one that I would not want to relive. But God's hand was all over this sad situation. He mercifully encouraged me to get all of my Christmas shopping done early. Why am I trying to make it so pleasant? He lit the fire under my rear end, made me prioritize and forced me to let go of trying to do too much (which I always do).

Now that I am on the other side of that storm, I can see His work so much more clearly. As I sat with my mother day after day, talking to her, praying with her, reading scripture and listening to her favorite Christmas hymns, I realized that God was showing up in a big way. The truth is that He's always there, but so often I am so busy I (especially at Christmas-time), that I don't see Him very clearly.

Mother helped us plan her funeral. She said she wanted it to be Joyful! not a typical funeral. Joseph, her minister, said that the Easter liturgy was the most joyful service of the whole year (she was Episcopalian). So that's what we did. She even helped me choose the music. She couldn't talk at that point, but I told her to squeeze my hand when I mentioned a hymn that she liked. Later, when I gave the list to the organist, he came to one song and said, "Sissy, that one is not joyful. I don't think that was a squeeze, it was just a twitch!" He knew Mother very well and I am so thanful that he, (Gary McCraw) and Al Jeter, two of her most favorite musicians, were able to be a part of her special day.

At the time, I was reading a book called The Art of Dying. I know, it sounds morbid, but it was very insightful. It talked about how God's presence is so much stronger as He begins to bring a person home. The angels were in that room, with me, my sister, my uncle, Miss Mittie and all of the sweet visitors who came to see her. Every time someone walked in she would come out of what I would call a semi-comatose state, throw back the covers and try to get out of the bed (which she hadn't done in days) to show them all of the scars on her legs (due to surgeries for COPD related vascular issues). Bless her heart, she was so proud of those scars...that prove that God was with her all the while.

Anyway...
God was really in that room and as I sat there I felt as if I was sitting at the feet of Jesus, feeling the strength of His mighty hand draw Mother home and me closer to Him. I was able to let go of all of the "busy-ness" that I would normally have been doing at that time of year and just sit with Him and soak up all of the love and comfort that He was offering.

I am so thankful that in the days following we are surrounded by all of you who love my mother, my sister and I so very much.

God has a set of scales and when the trials on one side are very heavy, He fills the other side with all of the comfort and grace needed to get us through.

His love is overflowing and everlasting!

Prayer for Today

Dear Lord, 

 I pray that I will learn about you in such a way that you will teach me to seek, 

find and focus on the gentleness that you have placed inside of Hannah. 

I pray into her the opposite of what I see in her personality. 

Help me to understand her heart. 

Lord I know that you are "bringing forth beauty, refinement and gentleness.

 Under our roof is a greenhouse," where you take dirt, water and the light of your Son and you bring forth beautiful life from a seed that had fallen to the ground and had the appearance of being dead. "Dirt giving birth to life. New shoots are everywhere and soon it will be spring." 

Please help me to declare her beauty even when she's not around, because I know that what I say in private becomes easier to believe in her presence. Help me to see her beauty and know her beauty. I want to see her like Jesus sees her.

And the power of life and death lies in the tongue. Proverbs 18:21

I believe that so much of what I "feel is in direct opposition to what your word says is true...It's likely she lives covered under a blanket of shame - she's been telling herself or hearing others remind her of what a problem she is. [I] get to be Jesus' eyes and search below the dirt for early signs of growth." I know that these days cannot be her days to grow if they are not first my days to grow. And I already see ways in which you are molding her. She is a beautiful, compassionate, giving person. Lord, she is trying to love you as best as she knows how. Your word says that we should let the little children come to you, not to hinder them.  She loves to listen as I read your word. She's trying to understand, Lord, and I know that she will be forever blessed for the child-like faith that she has.

May I remember that "these are not [my] worst days, these days are fodder for a work that will leave [me] forever changed."

Perspective is everything.

Epiphany...

A sudden, intuitive perception of or insight into the reality or essential meaning of something, usually initiated by simple or commonplace occurrence or experience.

 The liturgical church celebrates the season after Christmas as Epiphany.  It is a time when we remember the journey of the wise men following the star to find the King of Kings. The definition above doesn't do justice to the epiphany that these men probably had when they found the Lord Jesus. After such times in our own lives, if we are open to God's molding, there will also be a period of growth.

After several months of having our precious daughter home with us I am having an epiphany about what God is doing. He is allowing me a tiny glimpse into His workshop....

I was blessed to read a blog about the adoption story of a woman named Sara. It's called 

Every Bitter Thing Is Sweet and she writes about things in her life that are so similar to mine, but in a way that I cannot. In this post, anytime you see these { } that means they are Sara's words, not mine. And I must also give her credit for the inspiration behind this post...so much of it will be paraphrased but with details changed. She has given me permission to do this.

God is doing a mighty work in this home. Sara (the one above, not our daughter, whose name has an h on the end) relates it to our home being a greenhouse where there is dirt and mess and time going by when we don't see anything happening. But underneath the dirt and the trash, there is a sprout...a shoot of new growth...

During 12 long years in an institution Hannah learned a set of skills and built a hard, tough, shell around herself that helped her survive. She {has a heart that longs to live childlike free, but is trapped behind years of inertia. At times she moves like a freight-train  -  unstopping, always racing, never able to rest. She didn't stop then, so why now? Rest was danger, how could it, overnight, turn into safety? She barrels through life and at times people. It's what she's always done. It was her survival. But tucked behind 10 of her missteps is one move in the right direction, one sprig of beauty. }

{One of the greatest dangers of adoption is believing for your child what your child already believes about themselves. It's subtle. And easy when the sum total of all their behaviors in a given day seems to point in one direction.

But we weren't called to be the thermometer in the life of a child who has years of seeing themselves in only one light. We are here to tell them who they really are and, in the light of who He is that they are royalty. They just don't know it yet. They haven't been told.}

But God, in His mercy is in the process of winning her back. {He kneels, toes pressed against the ground, staring into dirt, and His fingers so tenderly search for that one shoot that says life is here. He wades through years of lies calcified against my heart to find His own truths buried within, and He calls them forth. I call myself "messy" and He says beauty in the making.}

{Perspective is everything.}

{The Father looks on my daughter not with eyes of hopelessness and fear. He stares into her deep and calls forth Himself, planted in her from before the day she met the streets. What the enemy calls misfit, He reclaims as heiress.}

She cherishes the time we spend together at the end of the day. Cuddled up in a big chair in her room is a safe place where she can let down her guard. She knows enough English now to be able to begin to understand what I'm saying when I talk about how much she is loved. God loves her so much that He gave is only Son so that she could spend eternity with Him.  There is not another time during the day when she is so totally focused. I am praying for her, over her and through her all of God's love and am trying to saturate her life with His word. Please pray with me that His word will take root and she can begin to let go of the lies and break out of that shell that she believes she needs to be safe.

The Giver

This journey of adoption and now of living out the plan that God has for this new era of our family has been filled with so much. 

So much:

1. Anticipation -

 Then - What will she look like? What will she be like? Will she like us? Will she like her new life? Will she miss her old one? 

Now - What is the best way to parent her? How do we best help her to grow into the person God has called her to be? what will she be when she grows up?

2. Love - 

We loved her before we even knew her. It's just like God's adoption plan for us. He chose us not because we were good enough or pretty enough or talented enough, but because He is a gracious God who has so much love that He wants to share it with His children.

3. Prayer - 

The road has not always been easy, it has been full of bumps and challenges. But the times when we struggle the most are the times when I rely on the source from which all blessings flow. If things were always perfect and exactly the way I wanted them to be, would I pray so earnestly or as often? I have found myself face to face with the reality that I am totally inadequate for this job and I am not strong enough to do all that is required of me. It's at those times when God whispers, "It's not about you, Sissy, it's about me. Because of your weakness, my strength can prevail." So as I lean on Him and look at this life through His eyes I am astounded at what I see in a little girl who spent the first 12 years of her life in a Chinese orphanage.

You would think that she would be selfish and want to hoard everything that she can get her hands on...quite the contrary...she is a giver. Her most happy fulfilling moments are those spent making, wrapping and giving gifts to the ones she loves. She freely gives her energy, her time and her talent to help anyone who needs it. She spent hours making bracelets, paper boxes, pictures and greeting cards for me for my birthday. she is now in the process of doing the same thing for her teacher at school. She loves school and always works hard and tries to do her best...which is tough since she doesn't speak English yet.

She is compassionate. 

She makes sure the dog's bowl is always full (even though it's not supposed to be, hence one dog getting overweight). She makes sure the cat has enough food and water. She fills bird feeders. She cried when she accidentally clicked on a video on YouTube of young children with cancer. 

She is always there with a hug if I'm feeling down...and her hugs aren't quite as crushing as before  ;)

She is full of joy and gratitude. Always saying Thank you and I like it and I love you!
She loves her sisters dearly and the bond between them grows stronger day by day.

Our family is now complete...

The big picture is that she's doing great! I can't believe how much progress she has made in 3 short months and I can't wait to see the person she grows up to be.

I love you my little Hannah Banana!

When The Going Gets Tough...

The whole "bringing our new daughter home and transitioning" phase has been full of wonderful and yet very challenging experiences. During the past couple of months God has taught me that it is only in my weakness that His strength can shine through. And I have been so very weak, I have laughed, I have cried, I have been on my knees and even flat down on my face as I am letting go of control in raising children. Paul and I have been blessed with having two great, albeit not perfect, biological children. The challenges we face with Hannah are God's way of saying, "Hold on a minute, Sissy, things didn't work out well because of anything you are doing (besides pray), but because of all that I AM doing.

Hannah has so many beautiful qualities. She is affectionate, she is generous, she is honest, she is a hard worker and God has given her a teachable spirit.

At the same time we are enjoying these virtues, we are also experiencing her strong-willed need to be in control. She sees me as having so much control in the household so I must be the one that she has to conquer. She tries to conquer me physically; although sometimes it's done in a way that may be perceived as affection, for her it is a battle to be won. She will run up to me and jump on me as if hugging me, but with her legs wrapped around my legs. She only weighs 15 lbs. less than me and, to be honest, it hurts! When I tried to teach her not to do that she changed tactics; she then just wrapped her arms around me, hooked one leg around my leg and "constricted" in a way that ould make me buckle in order to "take me down". After  lots of explaining, I started to just sort of go limp and let her fall. I know it sounds horrible, but she never hit the ground and it did happen sort of in slow motion. Well, the way she saw it, she won! So now I have to strongly take her by the forearms and pull her away from me. I have someone who is able to explain  to her in Chinese that hugs should feel good and that her tactics are innappropriate...and she is learning. I also make sure there is lots of time when she is not in battle mode when I approach her for lots of hugs and cuddle-time.

She is going to school for four hours every morning now and that has been such a huge blessing. She is used to WORK and school is satisfying that craving in her soul and I suppose it makes her feel worthy. Believe me, we will be teaching her where her worth lies.

Bedtime is wonderful...I've even started getting her to bed sooner so we can have lots of time snuggling, reading, talking (it's hard to explain how we do that, but we do). While I read the Bible, she wants her head on my chest or my abdomen, I guess it is comforting. Sort of like a baby needing to hear Mama's heartbeat, she never had that, so I have to fill her "Love-Bucket" in ways like this.

As I said before the big picture is that she is transitioning really well...and we are so thankful.

TTFN

This was a post I started a couple of weeks ago but didn't finish...things are quite challenging around here right now...more about that later....

The weekend we spent in Boone, NC was filled with new adventures for Hannah.
We left our hometown and its 100+ degree weather and headed for the hills...where we were greeted with avg. temps of 75 and cool breezes..it was beautiful.

God woke me in time to witness His beauty on Saturday morning and it was gorgeous....

And I just love getting away with the family when they are a captive audience  ;)

We rode the zip lines that crisscrossed Hawksnest Mountain...

                                      Fearless was her fearless self...

                                           Madeline loved it...

                                  Is that a muscle???  I don't think so...I think the photographer Photo-Shopped it...

                            "Who's Bad"  (Hannah's nickname for Sarah) is just hangin'...

                                    And Paul is bringing up the rear...

We also spent some time at Tweetsie Raiload...much to the dismay of our oldest daughters.

It's a cute but cheezy little amusement park with a real steam engine that was actually used during the Civil war...I think it was the Civil one...anyway, we had fun.

Then we were off to Miracle  _____________ (I always want to say Miracle Hill, but that is the name of the homeless shelter here in town and they are not the same place). Any way the most fun part was going into a room that is built with the floor at an odd angle that when you stand up in the way that the fluid in your ears says is "level" or normal, you look like you are standing at a 45 + - degree angle. I can ride all roller coasters, but this room makes me feel very pregnant. Ladies, you know what I mean, dizzy, nauseous (sp?) and kind of green, I didn't stay in as long as everyone else.

                         

                             This is Sarah in the out-house with some old man.

And some people have accused me of trying to keep my children in a bubble...

                           It doesn't work...

And this is just some lady with duct tape on her hat... ;)

TTFN

(Ta-Ta-For-Now)

                                   Where do I begin?

We have been home for about 5 weeks now and life has been full...to put it mildly. Hannah is adjusting very well, she is:
* busy
* energetic
*helpful
* thankful (her first words to us were "Thank you" and she says it so many times every day that it makes my heart melt)
*hungry (especially for hamburbers and "freshy-fries!)
*and did I mention busy and energetic?  ;)

 So many prayers have been answered; she has a good heart, she has a conscience with a knowledge of the difference between right and wrong (although she doesn't always choose the "right", she is learning and making tons of progress, and some things that were "right" in an orphanage aren't "right" in a family). She also has a very teachable spirit; earning pennies for good behavior to save up for a bike (she saw on a blog that her friend had one, so guess what?)  - 200 pennies buys a bike doesn't it - anyway it did for her.

One of our first outings was feeding the ducks at Duncan Park. It looks pretty harmless doesn't it? When Sarah and Madeline were little we used to have to coax the ducks to come close enough to get the food....not any more. Those things are so used to getting fed (the good stuff like potato chips and cookies :( that they have become aggressive.

I had to let her stand on the bench because they were pecking at her. But since fearless is her middle name, she had a blast anyway.

She has grown to love Duke and Maggie. She now knows they aren't lunch, they don't have mange, and they will not eat you. She now even wants Duke, the little one, to sleep with her...which, of course, he loves!

And a plastic swimming pool makes a great chew toy for a Mastiff ;)

Then there's the swimming pool at "Grumpa's" house...
Did I mention she's fearless?
Before we got the life jacket she would just jump in..
shallow end, deep end, it didn't matter.
She can't swim, she doesn't try to doggie paddle, and she floats like a rock.
She would jump in (in the deep end, after being told not to),
sink to the bottom and wait for Paul to come pull her up (I am not storng enough to do it).
Upon entering the world of air she would exclaim with a huge smile on her face,
"Thank you verrrry much!"

Peace signs are very popular in China...